


Bday

by unwanted_one



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 10:42:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15022865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unwanted_one/pseuds/unwanted_one
Summary: Hey! Thanks for reading. It's new field for me, so I appreciate all advice <3





	Bday

It was my birthday. The worst day of the year. Despite my surrounding being supportive, every year birthday depression hit me. Sometimes it would be gone within weeks, sometimes stretch for months, getting worse with every year coming. Having this for as long as I remember myself I didn’t find any cure, except trying to ignore the fact that I got older today. It was harder to do when you live at the same place where you work. With the same people you work. Everyone in Overwatch was extremely friendly and today I was trying to hide from everyone, praying for them not to throw me a surprise Bday party. They’re the worst.

I never talked about minor depressions hitting me every year around my birthday, especially not since I signed in to join here. I did mention it once briefly during one sleepless night hangouts in the kitchen with McCree, but there’s no single way he remembered. This depressions coming from within, which makes it pretty easy to hide behind fake smile. It came as wave of self-hate as another year passed, inability to fulfil own expectations and dreams. I’m not that bad of a failure, to be honest, but it didn’t matter as only you start dig in yourself. I just want to be forgotten. I don’t want to burden anyone with my existence. Just leave me here, in the bed in the dark room. Don’t recall my existence, not today.

I off my phone since yesterday, not to be bothered with a single notification. I wish I could erase my own memory too about which day it is. I am my own worst enemy, and oh god, I hate myself for it.

Today morning I woke up to weakness in all body. This time it’s started couple of days before Bday, slowly getting worse as days passed. Today it was worse than ever. I slept yesterday early, yet I felt exhausted. Luckily, it was my day off, so I was not forced to leave the bed. Gathering last drops of strength remaining I forced myself to leave the bed and head to washroom. I hoped to grab breakfast, but there’s no way I’m leaving room today. I didn’t eat since yesterday and didn’t feel hungry now. Just water will do. The small washroom trip felt heavy and I returned to bed exhausted. Curtains was tightly closed putting room in the darkness without possibility to guess time. Should be morning, but you never can be sure. Body weakness fast drowned me back to the darkness of forced dreaming.

I woke up several hours later to someone knocking the door. With heavy groan I left my bed, trying not to collapse as I reach the door. My limbs didn’t function properly, like heavy weight was attached to each of them. Wearing oversized old shirt as pajamas I didn’t leave my room for past two days. My appearance would embarrass me on the normal day, but not today. I just wanted to deal with whomever was behind the door as fast as possible and return to bed. Knocking repeated before I opened the door. Behind it in all the glory was standing cowboy. We grow pretty close since I joined. One of the big reasons was problems both of us had with sleep and occasional gathering in the kitchen at night because of this. Jesse was really friendly and full of charisma. It’s a true blessing to have such person as him next to me and be able to consider him as a friend. He was looking a bit worried after he looked at me and inside my dark room. Great job, I made such amazing person worry and even bother to come here. Why I have to make others life more complicated? I just couldn’t forgive myself for that.

“Have you eaten’?” McCree asked without greeting.

“I - ” my voice came out weak and barely noticeable, “I’m not hungry”

“There’s one nice downtown place.” He tried to sound enthusiastic, widely smiling. “Heading there now. Join me?”

“I really wouldn’t…” I tried to say. Words coming hard and slow.

“Great. See ya at carpark in 10.” He interrupted and before I could argue, Jesse tapped hat and left.

McCree was sneaky and smart. Always one step forward. Desire to ignore everything and just lock myself up was dominating, but last thing in this word I wanted to do is disappoint Jesse. Without much choice I changed to old comfortable washed off jeans, oversized black t-shirt and sneakers. It was spring, air slowly getting summer hot. I wasn’t ready to wear anything else rather than my old trusty clothes I was sure are comfortable. Just get as comfy as possible since I had to leave bed behind. I was kind of person who always smiles and try to cheer everyone, giving away as much myself out as I can. Making jokes, laughing around. That was me even in the darkest moments. I hide whatever was happening inside behind wide smile. This way word had no access to me, couldn’t hurt me. Except for today. I was too tired, too mentally exhausted to try to pretend. I hated the idea of anyone seeing me at this state, but all my energy was barely enough to keep me up straight not mentioning to try to look like a human being. Without looking at the mirror I left. There was no point to check how I looked as I know the reply was: messy. Not like I cared now.

McCree was waiting for me next to one of the cars we could pick to go to the city. His eyes brightened as he saw me.

“You lookin’ good.” Jesse said with excitement that made me almost believe he wasn’t lying.

I gave best smile I could in reply, but in my best guess it looked pathetic.

“Ready?” He asked opening passenger door and letting me sit.

Such a charmer. Sadly for him I’m the one he choose to take out for lunch today. The worst person to talk to now and he did like a good talk. This thoughts made me regret leaving my bed today. Regret appearing in McCree life. Regret appearing to this life in the first place. If I wouldn’t appear, nobody had to bother themselves with me. I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone. Life would be easier.

McCree started the engine, quiet country music filled the car. We drive in comfortable silence. Jesse glanced at me from time to time, but said nothing. It was past noon, getting closer to the evening. Sun was still in the sky. Streets was empty, no after work jam yet.

Eventually we stopped by restaurant. It looked like pretty fancy place full of well-dressed people. Only thinking of going there made me panic.

“Can we pick another place?” It came out like whisper. Jesse turned to me. “Somewhere less crowded.”

“We can take away.” He suggested without hesitation, like he considered I might react like that. “What you prefer?”

“Some fast food?” The first thing came to my mind. “Some burger, maybe?”

“Sure thing” He chuckled, driving away. “There’s place few blocks away having the best burgers you can find in this area. You’ll love it.”

McCree didn’t sound disappointed at all. Still I couldn’t stop feeling bad about ruining his plans with my stupid anxiety. It was just a restaurant, I wouldn’t die.

“Here we are.” He announced shortly. This time it was a small half empty fast food place. “What you want?”

He was holding his hand on the door, ready to leave, but fully paying attention to me. He was giving me a choice whether I want to join or stay in the car. That was really sweet gesture, considering my reaction to the previous place. He gave me so much attention, while I didn’t deserve any. Why someone have to do it?

“Something on your choice.”

“Got ya” He left car fixing his hat.

It wasn’t long till he was back. He gave me paper bag with burgers inside and tray with cheesy fries. One soda went to my hands and another was placed next to gearshift.

“Gotta eat fries while they warm.” Jesse picked one and put it in his mouth, returning to wheel while chewing. “You have to eat em’ while am driving, otherwise I’ll have to stop and feed you.”

I giggled on that image in my head and Jesse smiled to himself from my reaction. Fries was fat and cheesy, drink cold and too sweet. Everything as desired. I finally felt a bit better since I left the room. Like something heavy was lifted from my stomach, letting me breath properly. Weakness still was there, but now it wasn’t that dominant.

We reached to the beach. McCree parked car facing sea. Our small picnic got located in the car hood. We sat next to each other eating in silence. Sea was peaceful. Sunset started.

“This burger is really delicious.” I broke the silence to admire his choice.

“You gotta believe me.” Jesse gave me soft warm smile.

Silence wasn’t heavy but rather comforting. It felt right to sit there and watch ocean devour sun. It was truly gorgeous. View that never get old. McCree fetched his cigarette, lighted it up and exhale cloud of white smoke to the air. I reached to his cigarette, taking a smoke and returned it earning curious look from Jesse. I didn’t smoke regularly, but in days like this it was necessary. We shared smoke in silence. Jesse moved closer, putting one side of his red scarf around my shoulder, while keeping another on his. I did wear too light for such weather and without noticing by myself I started shivering. But now it was warmer. I moved a bit, pressing myself against his warm shoulder. Jesse in respond moved his arm behind, so I could get more comfortable. I leaned on his side, feeling heat from his body on my back, inhaling him. McCree smelled of warmth, smoke, sun and sea. He smelled like wildness and freedom. And fast food grease. It felt right.

Sun was long gone. I sat leaning to Jesse without moving, enjoying every moment of it while it lasts. It was feeling like returning home after a long journey. Home I never had and probably will never have. It felt like we’re the last humans in the Earth, sitting here, waiting for the world to end.

“I’m so fucking mess now.” I started quietly talking. He held his breath. “After so long still can’t figure out why I had to come to this life. What I’m doing here? One’s person life valued by impact on other’s people life. I’m trying to do it, caring more that I should, getting all punishes people can throw with smile. God, I’m tired. So tired to fight with whatever shit inside me, might as well choke on it. Every day I wake up and it wakes with me. Every day ends with darkness getting closer and closer to the winning. I’m so tired fighting it. Too fucking exhausted, ready to welcome whatever it brings. How much worse can I get? How much lower sink? Days passing and I’m not getting closer to any of the answers. Am I doing what I love? Why it’s so hard? Am I happy? I’m so deeply slinked in lies that I’m not sure where I pretending in order not to hurt myself and others even more.”

I kept talking choking on words and coming tears. Confession after confession in this empty world. Masks off, finally paying attention to that disgusting and scary part of myself, letting it flow free. McCree strong hand wrapped around me, pressing closer to his body. I haven’t talk like this in forever. People are getting wild as they see true you. Trying to bite as painful as possible and after this kind of talks they know just the right spot to hurt the most. Sometimes facing your demons they picked up theirs and leave your life forever. It was easier to hold everything inside. No one to know, just choke on your feelings. No one to judge, no one to hurt. Today was different. I wanted it to be different. I was caught off-guard without energy to hide it. It made the entire thing flip around. For once I wanted to be heard. Accepted. Needed. Old bottled up feelings came out and the flow was endless. People don’t care how you feel if reply will be ‘bad’. They stepped back to “give you space”, while in fact they just don’t want to deal with your shits after you helped with theirs. My listener didn’t interrupt me, letting me spill out everything I had. He was patiently listening. He’s been through shits, he understood. It was scary to talk like this, exposing yourself. Confessing things I afraid to confess to myself. Being defeated and studied. Splitting out heart to the mercy of the listener.

After my uncontrollable flow of thoughts ended, lips softly pressed to the back of my head.

“I got you something.” Jesse whispered.

I sat straight as he took small cloth sack from his pocket.

“Sorry, couldn’t resist getting you small gift for today.”

I opened it, hands shacking from cold. Inside was small silver butterfly pin. _After several days since I joined Overwatch, I had insomnia. To fight it I made my way to the kitchen, where first time I joined McCree for a ‘sleepless night hangout’ as he named it. Back then he said that I reminded him of butterfly. Extremely fragile creature, unaware of its beauty, putting itself out just in order to make everyone happy and excited. People try to get close, to possess the beauty, but it’s impossible to get close unless butterfly let you or you catch it off-guard. The second option would damage and hurt, wipe the beauty away. Butterfly have to be handled with care, free to fly around. It’s not hard to make it stay, but if butterfly wants to fly away, it would and you can’t do anything to stop it. Afterwards McCree was using phrase “butterfly fly away” occasionally, to remind me._

“Are you okay?” Jesse asked, reaching my cheek and wiping out a tear.

I was crying without noticing. After everything I confessed, a butterfly broke me out. I wanted to say something, but words just couldn’t make it through. I leaned forward and buried face in Jesse neck, wrapping my hands around him. His smell was stronger here, coming straight from the skin and hair. McCree was way too nice, payed way too much attention. I didn’t deserve even half of it. I couldn’t stop crying. Such a stupid thing. His hand reached my head, petting me, playing with my hair, giving me goosebumps. This feeling just devoured me. World shrunk down and got concentrated here, between his neck and hand. Nothing around mattered as far as I could stay in this spot forever. No worries, no pain, just warmth and overwhelming smell. Everything I said now was meaningless, childish. I found my personal peace in this chaotic world and never want to let it go. It felt safe.

It took me a while to calm down enough to whisper thanks to his neck. In a while I started feeling cold. Probably I was cold long ago, but just now I acknowledged it.

I pulled myself back, facing Jessie, face wet from tears. McCree was looking peaceful, calm eyes, light smile.

“I’m feeling cold.” I tremble though each word.

He looked alarmed, standing and wrapping me in his scarf, warm from his body.

“You wanna go?”

I nodded in reply.

We made way back in silence. Headquarters was almost empty. It was late. Today was the best birthday I ever had and now from everything I happened my head was buzzing with joy. Body felt light and enjoyably tired. Jesse walked with me to my room.  
“Thank you for everything.” I said, voice quiet from long silence. “It was just perfect.”

“My pleasure.” He gave me one of his most beautiful smiles. “Night’ b-day girl.”

“Goodnight, Jesse.” I smiled back, returning scarf.

McCree walked away along the corridor. Shoulders felt cold from sudden loss of warm wool around. I felt empty. Head ache as strong cowboy smell was carried away from me together with scarf. Stomach twisted, feeling sick. I hesitated to close door for a bit too long watching him leave. Before he could disappear from my view blood rushed to my head.

“Jesse” slipped from my lips out of my control. He stopped and look at me. “Can you stay?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading. It's new field for me, so I appreciate all advice <3


End file.
